It's been just over eight months since that fateful day in late November...when the entire world lost consciousness for approximately two months right before kickoff of the Wrigley game between Northwestern and Illinois. We have no way of knowing what might have transpired between November 20 and January 2, the day after the New Year's bowl games when we all miraculously woke up, but Ohio State vacated some wins and Cam Newton still remains at large or something.
Nobody heard much from "The Legendary" Evan Watkins, after That Thing That Happened That Was Kind Of Like The Show Charlie From "LOST" Was On Before It Got Cancelled And He Showed Up On "LOST" A Few More Times To Remind Us Why We Hated Charlie. That's not for lack of activity, though; our hero has had a productive summer.
We recently caught up with Evan by culling hours of security footage and debriefing a nationwide team of private investigators. You know, fan stuff.
Here's what he's been up to:
January 2 - April 17
Did not tear his Achilles tendon
April 18
Completed covert military training and was immediately elevated to SEAL status after throwing a football into a trashcan from, seriously, like, 80 yards, bro.
April 25
Assigned to SEAL Team Seven
May 3
Quit the SEALs and went AWOL, hid out in Qatar with plans to "sultan like a mofo" per texts sent to Trevor Siemian
May 7
Captured and extradited after arguing with a large group of locals on how Qatar is pronounced*
* - We all agree it's Kah-TAR, right? And that "Cutter" just sounds weird? And that we don't care what people who actually live there call it because that's not the American way, and that's why Zaire will always be Zaire and not the Democratic Republic of Congo because we shouldn't have to change all of our geography books just so they don't have to walk out last at the Olympics, yes? What were we talking about?
May 17
At court martial hearing, cited his reason for quitting the SEALs as "more of the same second-team bullshit" and then got really moody and unresponsive
May 20
Escaped from federal prison when he started to dig a hole behind a poster of Bree Olsen and the guards saw their chance and left his cell unlocked because they were sick of him doing "sex exercises" and asking for "that new Mountain Dew, you know, the white one" at every meal.
May 22
Did not tear his Achilles tendon
May 24 - July 5
Got really wrapped up in the Casey Anthony trial
May 25 - June 1
Tried to grow what he called "a kick-ass Perry Mason beard"
June 2
Settled for a soul patch/fu manchu combo and Google search results for "Linda Drane-Burdick's phone number"
June 13
Arrived in Orlando to follow the trial in person
June 15
Formally banned from Orlando by city council following incident involving Harry Potter ride at Universal Studios, details redacted due to pending civil suit
June 24
Did not tear his Achilles tendon
June 30
Bought a moped. Well, acquired a moped.
July 3 - 4
Saved the planet yet again (total lifetime count now stands at seven) this time from an evolved race of cybernetic free safeties hell bent on intercepting the world's power supply and returning it 100 light years to their home planet. After assembling a ragtag group of misfits and castoffs referred to by codename "Northwestern's 2011 Recruiting Class", Evan orchestrated a prolonged offensive consisting of quick assaults and delayed-handoff draw plays. Then, after teaching the daughter of the chief free-safety-bot to experience love (or what Evan explained as love, a misconception that her future robot husband would surely pay for), he saved the planet by drilling a tight spiral right into the numbers on a textbook slant play*, promptly destroying the cyber-safety-bot planet.
* - Just to be clear, we're not still talking about the daughter.
July 5
Ate his first gyro while watching the Casey Anthony verdict, then spent two-plus hours in a reportedly-dusty room listening to "Why" by Rascal Flatts.
July 13
Watched like three minutes of the ESPYs
July 14
Got in line for midnight screening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
July 15
Formally banned from all AMC movie theaters following incident involving 3D print of Harry Potter movie, details redacted due to pending civil suit. Witness reports include the quote "wizard like a mofo."
July 22
Attended unveiling of Evan Watkins Action Figure at San Diego Comic-Con. Attempted to bed the most Slave Leias in history. Set personal one-day record (four) but fell a half-and-half short of the grand total (seven). If you don't use the verb "bed" the total rises to nine. He is appealing the decision.
July 25
Did not tear his Achilles tendon
Wow! Sounds like a summer you could set to a Peter Gabriel song as part of a larger coming-of-age story! We will make that note in the margins of the 600-page-and-counting screenplay graphic novelization we are using to document Evan's every waking moment (because you have to make the comic book first before you make the movie). We can't wait for the new season!